


Some Like It Hot (I Like It Really Hot)

by SunsetOfDoom



Category: Brave (2012), How to Train Your Dragon (Movies), Rise of the Guardians (2012), Tangled (2010)
Genre: Avengers AU, Merida is Kate Bishop, The Avengers Exist Here, They're In Space Or Something, They're Otherwise Unrelated, marvel AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-25
Updated: 2015-12-25
Packaged: 2018-05-09 05:14:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5526770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SunsetOfDoom/pseuds/SunsetOfDoom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Some bonehead is trying to ruin Christmas with a heat machine.It's the Big Four's job to stop them. (Well, the Avengers can't do everything.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Some Like It Hot (I Like It Really Hot)

**Author's Note:**

> This is my Secret Santa present to fictiondotcom, to whom I am quite grateful for putting up with my stupid puns for a month. I noticed they liked superheroes, and so this turned into a bastard hybrid with the Avengers. 
> 
> The Big Four are an auxiliary superhero team, and other than Merida being the second person to take up the codename "Hawkeye" they don't know the Avengers. (They probably skipped town and went to visit Peter Quill in space. They're fickle like that.)
> 
> And, if you've never seen "The Year Without A Santa Claus"; I would highly recommend it, but only if you're very drunk or very tired.
> 
> Merry Christmas to all!

“Why do we have to work tonight?” Rapunzel pouted, wrestling with her thick boots. “It’s Christmas. I should be with my parents, watching the nutcracker, drinking hot chocolate in front of a roaring fire.”

“You wouldn’t be watching the nutcracker because you hate classical music, cocoa makes you nauseous, and you wouldn’t have a fire because we’re in the middle of a heat wave. And the heat wave is being caused by some idiot whose evil plan is literally to ruin Christmas.” Jack tossed her pink domino mask at her. “With a heat machine. I can’t make this up.”

“You don’t have to, crazy people are just attracted to our city like flies.” Hiccup pointed out, hefting his dragon’s prosthetic tail rig over his shoulder. “It’s probably the giant lizards.” Toothless, offended, whacked Hiccup over the head with his remaining tail fin. “Ow! Get back here, you oversized iguana, or I’ll turn you into- into whatever they call sushi when it’s made out of reptiles.”

“You’re the one as managed to turn one into a pet.” Merida checked the fletching on all her arrows; as a former military sharpshooter, she was the most legitimate fighter of them all. The government didn’t want to admit Jack or Rapunzel’s magic existed, and Hiccup was viewed mostly as a smartassed leash for his Night Fury companion, a terrifyingly dangerous and intelligent dragon that had been assumed extinct until the kid found Toothless in a cave by the sea.

“Does this look like a pet to you?” Hiccup asked, furious. Toothless chittered at them from the rafters.

“Get in the jet!” Rapunzel called.

Hiccup dropped his saddle rig on the floor, as Toothless slunk to the floor via a stored mecha battle-suit. “I'm not taking orders from somebody dressed as a Power Ranger.” Toothless came up behind him, and nudged his hip with his scaly nose. “There you are, you menace.” Hiccup grumbled, trying to lace the buckles up between Toothless’s front and back legs.

“I'll do recon.” Jack declared, hitting the Open button for the aircraft carrier’s escape hatch; as the air rushed in, he rushed out.

Merida hopped into the jet, looping her quiver across the chair casually as she began the startup sequence. Rapunzel joined her in the copilot’s chair, strapping her rune charts, holy water, and paintbrush to her utility belt.

“Check, check, one, two,” Merida said into the communications microphone. Her earpiece whined a little with the proximity, but her own voice came through clearly. “Sound off.”

“Eagle one is present!” Came Jack’s voice, the rush of wind audible in the background.

“Stop calling yourself that.” Rapunzel leaned over to say into the microphone as she adjusted her mask strap over her ear.

“I'm here too if anyone cares.” Hiccup yelled. Merida heard him in stereo, from just outside the jet and over the radio. “Race you there, girls!”

“Don't hit any planes!” Rapunzel suggested.

“Don't do anything I wouldn't do.” Merida warned.

As one, she and her copilot moved for takeoff.

.

It took two hours for Jack to check in, and when he did, it was in his own, individual fashion.

“Sexy back, come in sexyback?” Came over the radio. Rapunzel collapsed into giggles.

“You're lucky this is a secure channel, Foxtrot.” Merida warned.

“I wouldn't care, I promise. I have a visual on the island, and whatever that heat machine is made of, it looks nasty.” He paused. “Thinking back, sending the guy with ice powers in first against the heat machine may have been a bad idea.”

“Or the best idea?” Rapunzel suggested. “If your powers are stronger than whatever it is, you can freeze it up and we can go home. Right?”

“You know what? If it could get you home for Christmas, I'll give it a shot.” There was a whoosh of air, and a sound like a geyser going off over the radio channel. 

Jack’s signal cut out.

They both yelled his name into the microphone. Rapunzel clenched her hands against the control board, staring at the displays. Merida worked the controls, ekeing more speed out of the jet.

It crackled back to life after almost ten minutes. “-day-mayday,” came the broken transmission, “This is SHIELD operative serial-number 8-9-3-7-6-1, callsign Frost, that's Foxtrot-Romeo-Oscar-Sierra-Tango, mayday mayday-”

“Jack!” Merida shouted into the microphone; Rapunzel sank backwards into the seat beside her, hands over her eyes.

“Radio is currently transmit-only,” came Jack’s staticky voice, “Stranded in hostile territory. I’m attempting to stay in position, but evasive action may be necessary. Mayday, mayday...” He repeated his message.

Merida switched channels. “Hiccup- are you getting this?”

“Yeah, I’m hovering over the other side of the island. I gotta keep behind cloud cover though- whatever happened when the heat-beam hit Jack’s ice, it attracted somebody’s attention. They’re keeping a pretty sharp lookout.” She cursed. The isle was just visible now, misty green and grey, picturesque in a supervillain-lair kind of way.

Rapunzel swiveled the microphone to her side of the cockpit, fiddling with some of the radio controls.

“This is Bravo-Foxtrot one-four-four to Island Tower, please come in.”

“What are you doing?” Merida hissed.

Rapunzel turned to face her, and her face was calm and still. “Opening communications. I’m calling this a hostage situation.” She turned back to the microphone. “Island Tower, this vehicle is a SHIELD-issue jet that will be within range in ten minutes. We’re here to negotiate.”

The radio hissed. There was brief laughter on the other line, of the mad-scientist variety.

“Island Tower, we will not shoot first if you do not. Out.” Rapunzel shut the line down and turned to her co-pilot. “Can you line up a shot, Mer?”

Merida was a little taken aback. “With what?”

The brunette shrugged. “Whatever part of the machinery you can. I just want to make them unable to target us.”

“Doesn’t that count as shooting first?”

“Yep.” Rapunzel swept her hair out of her eyes and went back to the controls.

“I can, but not before we get in range of their weapons.” She has good eyesight, but not supernatural, and arrows only go so far. She clicks through her quiver, finding the glitch arrow for precisely this purpose.

“Good.” Rapunzel opens up their team line again. “Hiccup, Merida can take their targeting out, but we need a ten-minute distraction.”

“Will do.”

From a distance, Merida saw a small black dot descend from the clouds. She busied herself with the controls, unable to watch Toothless get shot at.

Rapunzel, though, is studying; she stares down the beam of red light that comes from the machine’s Hubble Telescope-sized barrel, drawing sigils on her bare forearms in holy water. Circles, crosses, swirls, migrating all the way down her hands, and she as swipes her fingers across the half-dry invisible symbols, they glitter and burn.

“We’re almost in range.” Merida announces. “Take over, I’ll line up my shot.”

Rapunzel took the mic. “You hear that, Hiccup? We need you on the opposite side of the island. Keep their focus on you.”

“Got it.” There was a whine, and an explosion of sand and water; Toothless had fired on the beach. 

“There seems to be an awful lot of firing-first going on here!” Merida yells as she slides the door back.

“He didn’t hit anything, it’s not technically breaking the agreement.” Rapunzel said, over the radio, over the rush of the wind. Merida lined up her shot- she could see control panels through the targeting window, she just needed the right amount of momentum to go through the glass, the right upward angle to counter the wind- she drew back. _Breathe. Breathe. Breathe._

_Fire._

The arrow flew true.

The barrel of the machine sank downward, looking dejected, as it powers down. Merida swung back into the cockpit, door safely closed. Rapunzel was already at the radio.

“Island tower, this is Bravo-foxtrot, we are ready to open negotiations. Over.” 

The open line hissed, but in the background they could hear shouting; “ _what’s happened?_ ” “ _nothing’s working_!” “ _she’s not going to like this_!” and, rather troublingly, “ _he’s one of them. make him talk to them_.”

The line crackled, and Jack’s voice, faint from distance, could be heard. “ _I’m not going to say anything_.”

There was a grunt of pain, and the sound of a microphone being adjusted. “This is SHIELD agent 8-9-3-7-6-1, speaking under duress. Over.” 

Rapunzel’s lips tightened. A faint scowl ghosted over her face, and is gone.

(In the background: “ _Look him up in the database, fool!” “I can’t, nothing’s working_!”)

“Heard and understood, Agent. Who’s in charge of this operation? Over.”

“That... Is not authorized information.” Jack said, stilted, reading out someone else’s words. “Over.” He added, as though he forgot.

“Who am I speaking to? Over.” Rapunzel said, and Merida’s mother made a ghost appearance in her head- “ _it’s ‘to whom’_.”

“That, apparently, isn’t authorized information either.” Jack sounded annoyed. “Over.”

Merida started figuring out where to land. She’d not done any hostage negotiation training, so she’d have to stick to what she knew.

She queued up her explosive arrows to come out of her quiver first, though. If Jack gets hurt...

“What do you intend to accomplish by threatening the environment of our planet, _over_.” Rapunzel rubbed at her eyes.

There was a faint scratching over the line, and the crinkle of paper. Jack’s voice fades back in.

“We are... The voice of the silent masses. We are the resentment that gathers in the dark. We will destroy this bloated capitalist holiday...” Merida could hear Jack rolling his eyes. “And there will be a white christmas no more.” His sarcasm was dripping.

Rapunzel muted the comm and started to giggle into her hands. Merida tightened her lips; in the middle of landing a jet, she couldn’t bust a gut laughing like she wanted to. There were still papery noises coming over the line; apparently they weren’t done.

Merida set the plane down as gently as she could, and immediately turned to Rapunzel. “And there will be a white christmas...” she intoned. 

“ _No more_.” They whispered, and doubled over together, groaning with amusement and secondhand embarrassment.

A shadow approached from the sky, and Toothless landed in the ferns and mud like it was his ancestral home, crouching among leaves and stalking them ineffectively. Hiccup struggled off his back and came towards them, his smile wide and his eyes teary.

“That was the funniest thing I ever heard.” He said to the open door. Merida leaned around the seats, making a cutting motion over her throat. They were about to transmit again. Hiccup covered his mouth, ready to be silent, and hopped up into the cockpit.

Jack’s voice read out a few words. “Our mission...” He paused, his breathing irregular. He started to snicker. 

“ _Disrespectful little_ -” Came another voice. There was a sharp sizzling noise, and Jack cried out. 

A gun fired, and everyone was silent.

Rapunzel’s eyes darkened. She took a deep breath and pressed the button at the base of the microphone. “Our negotiations need to be a little more personal. I’m coming into your base, and if my friend’s been hurt, there _will_ be consequences. Out.” She shut the line down and tore out of the jet.

By the time Merida and Hiccup stumbled after her, Toothless was in the sky.

 

Their radio line stayed open. It took about five minutes before Rapunzel’s voice came on the line, and the jet was already in the air.

“Don’t come in after me.” She warned. 

Hiccup and Merida started shouting at the same time.

“I have it on mute. Listen. I’m going to go in and negotiate. If you see Toothless come out in the air within the next minute, blow up the base. If everything’s all right, he’ll climb down instead. Won’t you, beautiful?” She soothed. A warble came from the dragon, and Hiccup cursed under his breath.

“Keep the plane up. Tell me if she does anything stupid.” Merida muttered. She strung an explosive arrow, aimed it right down the barrel of the damn machine, and held her position.

 

It took a very long half an hour to... negotiate. 

Merida didn’t see much. After about a minute, Toothless lept down from the ledge he’d perched on, and jumped from roof to roof, gliding a little every time, until he got to the ground. Through the window, she saw grey uniforms, and occasionally a reflection of Rapunzel’s pink costume in one of the control panels. Jack got up from where he’d been curled under a desk, and waved out the window once, pointedly, before joining her on the other side of the room. 

About twenty minutes in, Toothless had flown on up, his automatic prosthetic engaged, and hovered a good hundred feet under the jet (if they got much closer to each other the dragon got nervous). Hiccup, jittery from listening to radio silence and nothing else, waved good-bye, opened the door, and jumped. He was doing loop-de-loops up above the cloud cover; she could occasionally see a black outline drop from the clouds momentarily.

Merida was about ready to charge in and shoot something when the radio transmission came in.

“Bravo-Foxtrot one-four-four, this is Island Tower speaking.” Jack’s voice was smug and amused. “We have control of the situation and will be frog-marching our various mad scientists out the door in T minus fifteen, if you could tell SHIELD we’d be very grateful. Over and out.”

Merida smiled to herself. “Received, Frost. ‘Over and out’ is bad radio procedure, ye numpty. Over.”

She made the transmission to SHIELD, hoping the Helicarrier was closer to them now than it was when they left.

It actually took about twenty minutes. The men in gray- well, mostly men- seemed to be security from the growing pile of guns Jack was collecting from them, and they looked very lost without the expectation that they were to shoot things within the near future. The people in blue, more mixed of genders, were science or technical, and appeared to be nervously contemplating a future in SHIELD custody. They all milled about under the trees, which made it very difficult for Merida to land the plane. But she managed. (She’d once landed a plane on the roof of a single warehouse in a densely-packed Eastern European city, after being dosed with a hallucinogen. While under heavy fire.)

Last out of the building was Rapunzel, escorting a much taller red-haired woman. Her domino mask was off, wrapped around one wrist, and even though Rapunzel was a good four inches shorter and ten years younger, the redhead gave the impression of deferring to her authority.

Rapunzel clasped her hand, said something to her, and when the woman nodded back, she let go. Spotting Merida, she ran back over. The usual laughter in her eyes was back.

“Hey! I’m sorry I worried you.” She smiled. “Carmine just needed someone to talk to. She just lost her parents, she doesn’t have anybody to spend the holiday with. She’s going through a lot right now, really.”

Merida decided that while she really hated her job, she hated supervillains more.

Floating like a breeze, Jack drifted over and landed next to them. He had a faint red burn on one cheek. “A _heat machine_.” He shook his head, disgusted. “No nukes, no Kryptonite, no hostages-”

“Except you.” Merida interjected.

“Except me,” he allowed, “and none of them are even wearing costumes. Where is the _professionalism_ , I ask you? If you’re going to ruin Christmas at least do it right.”

Hiccup tangled his way out of the dense underbrush. “You know, I kinda want to scavenge that thing for parts...”

“Take it up with R&D, flyboy.” Merida instructed. “We’re loading up.”

He shrugged. “Alright, lemme just get-” There was a chorus of screams from the pack of mad scientists. “Toothless! No!”

“We’re going home?” Rapunzel asked excitedly. She clasped onto Jack’s arm.

He looked down at her fondly. “Actually, I have some Christmas miracles to bring, after that thing messed up some weather patterns.” He summoned a few snowflakes, blowing them into her face and making her giggle. “But hey-”

He rooted around in the front pocket of his hoodie, and came up with four packets of hot cocoa powder.

“Found it in the Stormtrooper’s breakroom back there.” He pointed a thumb back at the observatory-turned-mad-scientist-lair. 

Rapunzel took the packets, splayed out like a hand of cards, and threw her arms around his skinny chest.

Hiccup appeared in the clearing, leading Toothless by the horn of the saddle. “Would you quit terrorizing people? What’d they do to you? Other than shoot at you a couple of times?” The dragon bounded over and nuzzled up to Merida’s hip, unaware of his scolding. She patted him. 

“You see the dragon lady over there?” Hiccup pointed backwards, apparently meaning Carmen or whatever her name was. 

“That’s rich coming from you.” Merida whacked him on the arm. 

“Fine, the Heat-Miser, then.” 

“ _He’s mister green Christmas, he’s mister sun_...” Merida sang, a little off-key. 

“ _He’s mister heat-blister, he’s mister hundred-and-one_ ,” Hiccup returned, quite a bit more off-key.

Jack kissed Rapunzel on the forehead, and stepped away. “Bye guys!”

“Be back for the debrief!” Merida yelled.

“What? I’m sorry, I can’t hear you!” He called from twenty feet in the air. “Over and out!”

“What’re you guys singing about?” Rapunzel asked, the hot cocoa still clutched in her hands like a talisman.

“Have you seen _The Year Without A Santa Claus_?” Merida asked, and she shook her head.

“I think I know what we’re doing this afternoon.” Hiccup said as he climbed into the saddle.

“Yay! Cocoa and Christmas specials!” Rapunzel squealed.

When they took off, there was a light, half-melting snowfall over the tropical island, and a boy with a blue hoodie flying off into the distance.


End file.
